Saturday, January 29, 2005

my memories were given back to me. the good ones. the ones that i needed. that reminded of why im here. of i chose to be here. of why i have to be here. and man, it felt fucking good.

thank you, jess. thank you, dave. thank you, new york.

i think that i am progressively, although slowly, becoming bipolar. there were days this week that i literally felt so high that i couldnt even put together a coherent sentence (on the train, michelle).

this week has been a whirlwind and ive been meaning to post and meaning to post and meaning to post and just never got around to it. now i feel like its just old news, a monday morning tiara, thrown out with the trash. there was so much that i had wanted to say, but it would be too much to type at this point and erick is gonna be pissed if im not ready when he gets here. so i gotta go.

btw, that was jess taking liberties with my camera when i was too incapacitated to do anything about it. feeding myself was a real choir that night, as you can see. but god, it was fun trying.

Friday, January 28, 2005

welcome to my neighborhood. i fucking live on rivington and clinton. i take the very same path every fucking night that they did.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

SofterThanCamay: dude, i am re-reading our convo, and i have made lots of typing mistakes and left out many words. hopefully you understood my real understanding
sean: yeah whatever
sean: i just picture you going durp durp type durp
sean: a-b-c

Monday, January 24, 2005

girl, im in love with you, but this aint the honey moon, past the infatuation stage...

so i guess, new york, if i can make it passed this weekend with you, then we can make it through anything, no? if i promise and you promise, do you really think we'll last? not like promise promise, but like, FOR REAL this time? because, my love, ill be honest, these past few weeks, months even, have been pretty rough and ive felt like walking out on you. without a second thought. see, i learned a long time ago, that if you have to think about something soooo much, then its just not right for you. and when i leave you and have to come back, its the coming back part that i think about. a lot. staying where i am, excuse me, where i was, really doesnt take much comtemplation. but that would be taking the straight and narrow, and you know and i know that just isnt the way we like to do things. but you see, there are others that need me and others that i love that are very far away, and i remain consistently torn. and i know you like to dish it out and you know that i like to dish it out, but inevitablely, all that leaves is someone with their feelings hurt.

all. of. the. time.

and, my city of dreams, if we want this to work, we have to stop that. when things get heated, we each need to take a minute to breath and think about the issue thats really at hand. and deal with it from there. and ive lost focus, i wont lie to you. ive forgotten what really drew me to you from the get-go. but at the same time, my priorities, and my opinions, have changed. but i will make the first step and say that i am willing to compromise. and i say that painstakingly, for i feel that im raising my white flag, and that... well, that is something that usually doesnt happen too often. im still not sure what im willing to give up in exchange for what youre willing to give, but i bet we can come to some sort of an amicable understanding. i am not an unreasonable person and you are not an unforgiving city. please remind me of why i fell in love with you. i could use a good memory or two...

Saturday, January 22, 2005

today is wonderfully beautiful and necessarily quiet.

katy is my girlfriend tonight.

im not gay. promise.

(but watch for photos.)

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

what. the. fuck.

i had three vodka drinks and one beer and for some reason, last night is all blur. how does that happen? i thought, the more you drink, the higher your tolerance becomes. isnt that what they taught us in DARE? im pretty sure that a stabbing threat was made and that a ridiculous scene ensued. all i know is that i didnt start it.

i have obviously taken the day off work because i have more important things to do than make money. like recharge my digital camera and do my toe nails.

ps: i dont think that i really like audioblogger.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

MissWorld: ?what the hell is the Serve Open 2005
SofterThanCamay: like the US Open, only with serving
MissWorld: oooh
MissWorld: did kim tell you i hooked up with John "legend" like 4 years ago?
SofterThanCamay: haha! YES
SofterThanCamay: ive been meaning to ask you about that
MissWorld: imagine...seeing a guy you hooked up with and used to avoid on M fucking TV!
MissWorld: jesus hell
SofterThanCamay: is he from ny?
MissWorld: he's been here for a long time
MissWorld: he lived in the neighborhood and went to my gym
MissWorld: i think he's from philly though
SofterThanCamay: did you actually sex him?
MissWorld: nooo
MissWorld: it was in my 'picking up dudes in bars' phase
MissWorld: apparently he had a fake id
MissWorld: cause he's only 24 now
SofterThanCamay: HAHA
MissWorld: life is funny sometimes
MissWorld: :/
SofterThanCamay: why did you use to avoid him?
MissWorld: cause it was a little embarassing. literally
MissWorld: i was like "you're hot, i want you." bam
MissWorld: wasted obviously

last night was the Serve Open 2005. karisa, jess and i served everyone in our path from 6th street to max fish. that is eight blocks in total of hardcore, balls-to-the-wall servation. we did the cabbage patch. we did the robot. and we humped a lot of legs. we also learned to NOT serve puerto rican boys cause they like that shit just a little too much. karisa had weed thrown at her, she threw pistachios at some girl and i, for once, didnt throw anything.

amy faay:miss was in the spot last night and, again, people confused us for one another. its really quite the compliment to me because she is a total fox, but people really are idiots if they think we look anything alike.

i finally returned all of the christmas presents this week. it kinda made me sad, not because of the reason why they had to be returned, but just for the simple that they were really nice fucking gifts. i almost wish i were a guy so i could have just kept them for myself. oh well, i guess ill just save the money and spend it on something worth having money spent on it.

i will be making a rare appearance at DD tonight. shank em if ya got em, fellas.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

i have this thing for socks. like, weird, funky, what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking socks. its kat(y)ie thing really, i dont expect anyone else to understand. except maybe kim, our dads have the same christmas gift buying mentality. so anyway, one night, like a week or two ago, im all showered and lying in bed trying not to have a clausto-coffin attack when katy calls me. and you have to imagine this conversation occurring in whispers. without asterisks. and with me trying to do a napoleon dynamite accent...

Y: dude, we just walked into fish and guess whos here?

IE: why do i care? okokokok, whos there?

Y: dude, j**** is here and karisa is freaking out.

IE: what!?!? who alls there?

Y: me, karisa, j****, m* and ***q** *** *a. karisa is losing it.


everyone thought i was there to console karisa. i just wanted to rowdy and yell a few cuss words. maybe throw a drink or two. which i guess in a way, would be consoling her, cause id be doing it in her honor. im a real knight like that sometimes, ya know? so anyway, i had jumped outta bed, switch the pajama bottoms to jeans, threw on a sweatshirt and was out the door. but, i had totally forgotten that i was rocking these bad boys:

yes, those really are bunny heads on my socks. and yes, those socks are wool. i guess it really doesnt matter though, cause i was wearing dunks. and dunks negate any fashion crime that you could ever conceive of committing.

but my faves right now are my candyland striped tights bought straight outta the little girls section of super walmart in valrico, florida.

and yeah, thats right, i said valrico. i know you shook now. anywho. i totally serve thangs proper when im rocking those. i mean really, take a good look, those tights are totally unservable. theyre so hot, i even gots bitches lickin my legs yo. those adidas-esque stripes you see are none other than shauna bent over, taking a little taste. of my ankle. (shes not real good with anatomy.)

we have been trying to stay away from fish, albeit unsuccessfully. tonight, i ate dinner with michelle at mary-anne's mexican joint and the bouncer of fish totally walked in with his girlfriend. even when i dont go to fish, fish comes to me.

until next time, put your number on this paper, cause i would love date ya, holla atcha when i come off tour...

Sunday, January 09, 2005

long weekend, little sleep. katy is currently in phoenix and she has been deeply missed. in her absence, i have been spending lots of time with karisa, who is the Samantha of our Sex and the City quartet. ive learned a lot about karisa in the past few days, and without getting into the more personal details, ive realized that she and i regard friendships in very much the same way. hard to the core. karisa and i spent friday night bar hopping until we inevitablely ended up at max fish, and surprising ran into people that had forever sworn off said bar. cutting to the chase, she and i ended up in brooklyn until 10am the next morning (10am is when karisa had to be at work) doing unspeakable amounts of unspeakable things with unspeakable people. the majority of the time, the two unspeakables in question spent trying to convince me to stay in new york and how horrible my life would be if i were to leave and how actually, once youve lived in nyc, you were cant live anywhere else. it changes you. they also spent a good deal of time consoling me on my relationship problems. i wont really get into specifics. it was very weird to say the least. especially since theyre supposed to hate me. an eye-opening conversation regardless.

saturday, andrew and i ate a very nice dinner. i, of course, had filet mignon and he had some sort of duck thing. it tasted like pork though. mouth-watering pork that is. i then headed to Quo to check out the scenery cause their one of our new clients. wasnt feeling it so much, so i hopped a cab and headed out to queens to hang a bit with scott, since i know that our time is limited. sucks that it has to be like that, huh? i ended up spending the night out there, which may not have been such a good idea since i had to work tonight at 6pm. scotty got me back in my house just in time to wash my face, throw on some clean clothes and hop in a taxi to 50th. we also recently signed a play as client, Pieces of Ass. everyone should check it.

but now the new celeb reality shows are debuting on vh1, so i think im gonna smoke a cigarette, take a shower and get in a few last minute serves before i head to bed.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

damn, it all goes by so quickly, no?

the end of december was fantasticly torturous. all those star-wishes finally got me what i wanted and i got to go home. well, for the holidays at least. the second ever split-parent christmas went off without too many complications and very little complaining. my grand prize for being the best daughter ever was a stellar ass digital cam, which you will bear witness to here, in this blog. duh. also on the ranking at the top of my favorite present list was a gift certificate to Build-a-Bear. if you dont know, Build-a-Bear is a cute little store where go from station to station making your very own stuffed animal. theres the pick-a-carcus station, the stuffing station, the fluffling station and then you get to pick out a cute little wardrobe for your doll. they even put a tiny little red heard in the body before they stuff n stitch it! i, of course, choose to build a bunny.

Dear World, I present to you Mary-Anne.

you cant see it, but the key element to her is her glitter red shoes ala wizard in oz.

i spent some QT with teddy, who is my most fave of all time. he and i unknowingly bought each other the same shirt for christmas. we are BFF soulmates. hes holding down the emo hair these days, and i fully support him.

gainesville was my home for a long time, and i think that my friends there are finally starting to get the idea that its not my home any longer and that no matter where i go, that i will not end up back there. its sad really. people so close to me and ive now been reduced to seeing them twice a year (maybe) and for only a few hours at a time. i guess we'll always have Salty Dog, huh?

i got some new tats. no photos those. these are mine and they mean a lot and i dont want to share them right now.

i miss florida. ill be going back soon. take that for whatever.

even though i cried the whole flight home, i totally rocked our on new years eve and had puked and passed out by 2am. it was fun, it was an nye reunion for me and a guy i used to date. same champagne, same pills, different city. i spent the remainder of the weekend locked in scotty's apartment, literally.

thanks for keeping me company, scotty.

Monday, January 03, 2005

We slept in this morning and she had to get ready in a hurry - no time for her usual attention to detail - and she ran out the door, slamming it behind her, leaving her keys swinging and jangling. I stayed in bed until I heard the downstairs door shut, then peeked through the blinds and as soon as she was out of sight, I went for the keys. She never tried to make a secret of the box or the fact it was locked or even where she kept it. But as I said at the time - "If you've nothing to hide, why hide it?"

It's one of those wee red cashbox things and she keeps it in a drawer by the bed, under some pictures and books. Every key she has is on the same keyring - it took me a while to find the right one. I don't know, I suppose I've had my doubts for a while. There's been hushed phone-calls virtually every night, her friends stop talking when I come in the room and they look at each other, and I don't know, it's just a feeling. Anyway, I eventually found the right key and it fitted perfectly in. I put the box on top of the bed and opened it up...

There were these pictures of friends and ex's, letters, postcards, doodles, nothing bad - and then I found some sort of sex diary and I went to the latest entry. It explicity detailed a recent adventure up the park with a boy she said she had forgotten about...

And it got worse as it went on. The dates never made sense, there were people I had never even heard of. Eventually I had to stop reading it because I started to feel sick. So I put everything back the way I found it, shut the drawer and phoned you. See, I don't know what to do. I keep having fantasies about leaving her dictaphone under the pillow or following her when she goes to work. I've been lying about where I'm going, just in case I can bump into her.