Saturday, February 12, 2005
these photos, that one right up there and the other one right down there, those photos are courtesy of last friday night, which was spent in greenpoint. and basically, those are the only photos that you will ever see from that night. not to say that those are the only photos in existence from that night, becaue i used the whole memory on camera and there were two other cameras floating around as well. after that night, i was so thoroughly disgusted with myself that it wasnt until last night that i could even bring myself to look at these photos. quite honestly, ive been disgusted with myself a lot lately. i dont like that. you wouldnt either, right?
so i asked myself, why do i continue to let this happen? i had fallen into the same trap that i had before. twice before. once in high school, and once in college. it really does take hitting rock bottom for me to really take notice. down to the wire. works best under pressure. the bottom kinda provides me with a brief moment of clarity when i can look up and see all my mistakes and realize, "oh, THATS where i went wrong." for as easily and as often as i break, i can mend without too much effort. break. fix. break. fix. break. fix. its what my life is. you learn to deal with it. the breaks become less severe and harder to complete. putting the pieces back together becomes less of a process and more of game.
i dont even know what i wrote in that last paragraph. my minds been drifting and i dont even care to reread what i just wrote. point being. i am done. if theres one thing that i reign supreme at, its being done. a few people have been cut out of my life. cocaine has definitely been cut out of my life. alcohol is just on hiatus for a bit. i have let my life become what i think other want it to be. and other people are fucking idiots. in essence, i have let them turn me into an idiot. great job, fellas, you had there for a minute. but... thats all stopping now. oh yeah, theres also one other thing im pretty good at. its walking away and not looking back. lo que se significa para ser, sea.
a thug changes, and love changes and best friends become strangers...